I will point out somethings before proceeding; 1. Before you go into a dating relationship, there must be some basic STANDARDS that helps to guide you. You can’t just see anybody and go into a relationship with them . You don’t just see any man and go into a dating relationship with him. You must have your STANDARDS! Ladies, have standards! Standards will save you! The reason why many women don’t have standards is because somewhere along the line, they’re thinking that standards will actually drive the right man out of their life but it’s actually the opposite. It will attract the right kind of man into your life. In other words, you don’t want any kind of man in your life. You want the right kind of man and STANDARDS is actually the best way to screen the guys that are not serious. The way life works now is that women stay on their own and men do the toasting or proposing or make the first move.
The challenge here is that; as a woman even if you see prospective guys or the kind of guy you like, you’re not really at liberty to walk upto them. You can’t do that. You have to just chill or give your greenlights until the guy notices you. However, men have the luxury and liberty to look amongst ladies and look among the ones they like and approach that lady. Because of that, your best bet is to have STANDARDS! You need to put value on yourself.
I have heared guys say we can’t buy a car that we have not tested. It’s not all cars you can test drive before buying! The ones that have value are not available for test driving. Place a VALUE on yourself as a woman else men will get what they want from you and abandone you! For instance; In most car shops, they have a particular car they allow everybody to test drive. After many years of test driving the car, it’s value depreciates! People will see it way lower than it’s real price. It happens to many women. You allow men to be test driving you and the thing about test driving is that you’re not sure you’ll buy. The test driver will be like “Am sorry, this is not what i had in mind”. So, when you have your STANDARDS, you can easily drive away the wrong man and attract the right one for you! I found out that most ladies find it very difficult to leave a relationship when they’ve given in their all in it but the truth is that you won’t be scared about someone coming to use and dump you, you’ll feel secured because of the STANDARD you’ve placed for yourself! Know what you truly want for yourself as a woman. Not when they finish test driving and your expectations were never met, you start regretting it. So, have your STANDARDS! .
Ladies, please don’t be the kind of girl that say “I can’t marry a guy that’s not rich!” That’s a wrong bar. You’re using a wrong parameter to measure. There are mad people that are rich! So, look for REAL VALUES, REAL QUALITIES, to measure the kind of person you want to spend your life with. Alot of women are in marriages where they are being treated like slaves even when their husbands have money. So, set the RIGHT STANDARD for yourself. Stop saying “I can’t marry a man that doesn’t have money.” What you should say is “I can’t marry a guy that doesn’t respect me!” “I can’t marry a man that doesn’t listen to me, value me or treat me right!” That’s a better sense of value! The Bible says “Who can find a virteous woman, for her price is far more precious than rubbies?” (PROV: 31:10) The moment you fix a price on your dignity, there’ll be somebody that will be willing to pay it! So, money can never be the price that will measure your value! “Her price is far more precious than rubbies.” You must never make any amount of money the thing that will make you do something or not. Don’t be cheap! Money should not buy your value as a woman. Once you put your value in cash, there are people that will be willing to pay and mess you up.
You must put HIGHER STANDARDS than money. 2. Don’t start a relationship without a DEFINITE AND CLEAR VISION for marriage! You can’t enter a vehicle without knowing where it’s actually heading to else you see yourself at where you never expected. You can’t just board a vehicle with your luggages without knowing you’re heading to. You know where exactly you’ll land. Don’t adhere to “Let us just date and see where it goes.” Time is too precious to waste. Time is irreversible. You can’t bring it back . Once it’s gone, it’s gone! People date for years and finally break up along the line. Most of these heartbreaks were as a result of no definite and clear vision for their relationship. They were just dating to see how it goes and before they could realise what they’ve been into, they’ve wasted their time with one person for years… So, make sure you have a DEFINITE AND CLEAR VISION for your relationship. The goal should be marriage. .
Take Note; In a DATING RELATIONSHIP, Marriage should be the GOAL. In LIFE, Marriage should not be your destination but a vehicle that will lead you to your DESTINATION. Don’t marry someone that doesn’t believe in you or your dreams. Getting married doesn’t mean you won’t still pursue your goals, dreams or aspirations in life! It doesn’t mean you’ve arrived. When you marry the will of God for your life, your spouse will support you, help you fulfill your purpose here on earth and make life much more easier for you and not worse. Marriage is a blessing with the Right man or woman. You can still be all that God wants you to be or where God wants you to be even as a married person! 3. Please as a lady, DON’T BE AVAILABLE FOR DATING. Being available for dating, sets you up to be used. Be available for marriage. That way, if a guy wants to enter a relationship with you, there’s a purpose for the relationship. Don’t let a guy scam you by saying “I want us to start something that we would be committed and friends and serious while we’re watching what it may lead to in the nearest foreseeable future” All this long grammar. No commitment is inside that statement o. If he’s saying “you’re the kind of girl that i may one day whish to want to see if it’s possible for me to likely marry you” Hahaha! That is not any commitment sis! So be careful as a woman. He knows that your weakness is love.
So he’s not promising anything. He’s just mumbling many things, beating around the bush to get to sleep with you. Don’t fall for that trash. He should go straight to the point! If we’re getting married, then let’s know why we’re starting this relationship. If the goal is not marriage, there’s no need for any commitment. Don’t allow him block potential suitors. Don’t be available for dating. BE AVAILABLE FOR MARRIAGE! DEFINING YOUR RELATIONSHIP; For you to define your relationship means; that you want to be committed and potentially see or work towards having a future together with the opposite sex. Its also a means of feeling more secure. This means wanting to know what your partner wants and if you both are on the same page, heading towards the same direction or be with them or leave them. Defining a relationship also means that you actually want to be sure of what you’re into.
It’s more like figuring out the meaning of the relationship with the opposite sex especially a romantic one. _ Despite the fact that men now use marriage to decieve ladies just to get them, shouldn’t stop you from doing what is right. You never can tell who’s serious. Not all men talk about marriage and are not serious. Engagement is not marriage. Don’t even collect an engagement ring when you two aren’t yet ready to walk down the aisle. It would be wise to collect it when you see it’s working out already. As time goes on too, you should know his plans and if he’s actually working towards it or not. Very important. Not that he talked about marriage and you relax. No! Be watchful and careful. That’s why i said earlier that you should have your dating STANDARDS. Don’t give your body and don’t let money be the price that will measure your value as a woman or make you do something or not. Have higher STANDARDS than money. With these, you can easily pull out of the relationship if he’s not serious. Even if some men use marriage to decieve ladies, it shouldn’t stop you from doing the right thing. Is it the men that don’t talk about marriage that are then serious? Defining your relationship is very necessary to avoid “Had i Known” and avoid being in a confused state. So, don’t fail to do the right. . In over the years, i have seen many single ladies make this mistake; they met a guy, they enter something that is kind of a relationship, we usually call it situationship. They enter something and there’s no definition to it. They really don’t know what they’re doing. They’re doing many things that people in a relationship do but without the clarity and commitment of a relationship. So, this mistake is basically “Not Defining your Relationship” Most ladies don’t define their relationship from the early stage because according to them, they don’t want to look desperate. Many single ladies have adopted this stategy. The same bad stategy! And the strategy is simply saying “Play along, give this guy all he wants and hope that one day, he’ll like me enough to commit to me.” That’s a bad strategy. You see? You’re scared or bothered about looking desperate but this strategy you’re using is already making you look desperate.
This strategy is simply saying that “I’m so desperate that am not honest or sincere enough to make my own expectations known.” You’re already communicating some desperation. You’re saying “I’m too desperate to be honest and to be sincere about my expectations. So am gonna hide my genuine expectations and pretend like am okay till something happens” That’s a bad stategy. Men open up and tell you what they want from you. They don’t hide their feelings. So why should you? You’re already being desperate when you’re not making your own expectations known thereby pretending to be okay and displeasing yourself just to please another person or make him stay. That’s desperation already. Playing along without ever really asking and discussing about your own expectations will put you in a bad place and alot of ladies have gone through this. Some are even right inside of it. Using this strategy; 1. You’ll end up being or feeling used; Alot of ladies have gone through things like this and at the end they’ll be like “After all i did for him” because the guy most times is enjoying himself and the lady is hoping something happens! Hmmm!!! Why are you putting yourself in bondage or in a confused state? Why don’t you define it to understand and be aware of what you’re actually into??? 2. You’ll end up being at his mercy; Some ladies will be praying and hoping that their boyfriend proposes or their Fiance gets to marry them. And am wondering what you got yourself into? You see? You’re already using a stategy… The wrong strategy! You’re already looking desperate sis! Why pretend and play along and hope that he marries you? Stop hiding your expectations. You don’t have to be at his mercy. It’s a relationship. Both of you are in this together. You’ll end up being at his mercy and you don’t know how long this is gonna last. You’ve been dating for 3years, 5years, 10 years, 15 years and you’re at his mercy hoping that he will take you to the next level. Your life is not meant to be in such confusion. You’re not supposed to live by chance.
You should live by choice! 3. You’ll end up laying a foundation of passivity; that means this guy doesn’t know what you want and believes he’s okay in this relationship for only him to get his needs met. You see? You’re laying a foundation that’ll continue throughout the relationship or in marriage tomorrow. It will continue that way. He’ll keep sharing his own expectations. He’ll keep being used to his own needs being clarified and met and he’ll expect that you’ll never have a need. Because what happens most times in marriage is that the man is hopping the woman will never change and the woman is hoping to change the man. So, when they enter marriage and they’re having conflict, they’ll be wondering why. The truth is that both of them were assuming. The guy is assuming that you’re okay and he can do anything he wants to do and she’s fine. You see? You’re laying a foundation of passivity tht you don’t want to continue. It’s important you clarify things. STANDARDS don’t drive away the right people. STANDARDS don’t push away serious prospects.
Most ladies assume that if they have standards, is either she’ll appear desperate or she’ll push away serious prospects. No, you won’t! People that are serious value STANDARDS and rise to the occasion. Men are usually clear about what they want in a relationship either by their words or their actions. If they just want to waste your time, they show you that they have no plans. If they just want to be having sex with you, they show you that they’re not thinking anything serious. Men are very clear about what they want. Either they say it verbally or they demonstrate it in their actions but if you’re sensitive enough or you look well, you’ll know the signals. He’s not involving you in his future, he’s not making any clear plans known, he’s not introducing you to important people in his life. He’s showing you that you’re not in his future and no long-term plans. It’s women that usually hide their own expectations. Stop hiding your own expectations. It’s important you make it clear. STANDARDS don’t push away the right people. It actually ignites the right person to rise to the occasion. Don’t forget this! In the process of DEFINING YOUR RELATIONSHIP;
1. Be ready to walk away if they can’t meet up to your own expectations. Relationships are like negotiations. Two people meet. What makes us align is that our path or objectives cross. The moment our objectives don’t cross, then we’re apart, there’s no problem with that. . The moment our objectives cross, then we’re in this together. So, if you’re gonna negotiate well, you must be ready to walk away. It’s one of the rules of negotiation. If you wanna win, you can’t be desperate. You can’t be saying this or nothing. So, if you’re desperate, you’ve made up your mind that you want this by all means, that it must work out by out by all means then you’re gonna walk out of there with a bad deal. So, be ready to walk away. Be ready that if this relationship doesn’t meet my own expectations, no matter how the other person feels, am gonna walk away. You must be ready to walk away. You must be ready to say “this might not be the final bustop for me” that’s the honest truth. If you’re gonna be happy in the long term, you must be ready to walk away today. .
2. Say clearly what you want from the relationship; Like i said, define your relationship earlier. Have a meeting, have a discussion. You’re doing this because you want to know the purpose of the relationship. You want to know why you guys are going into this.
You don’t want to assume or get into something you aren’t sure about it. So for you to be sure, you have to say what you want, what you expect from the relationship to know if you both are on the same page or you move on. Remember you don’t have to tell the man ahead that “we need to talk”. Men hate that! So, when something is going on, you guys are out on a date, catching fun, everybody is relaxed, bring it up and say something like “Hey i even wanted to bring this up, i wanna know your own expectations about this relationship”. Start from there. Just go straight. Don’t say “I want us to talk about, or there’s something i wanna ask you”. Start from making him talk. Don’t start from talking. Get to know his expectations about the relationship. “Are we in a relationship or we’re in a situationship? Let’s know what we’re getting ourselves into. What are your own expectations about this relationship? Am a matured single, am not planning to just hang out indefinitely. I need to know where am going with my life. At this stage of my life am looking for somebody to settle down with” There’s there’s nothing to be ashamed about. I don’t know why people are not ashamed of asking for premarital sex but they’re ashamed to discuss marriage! That’s what i don’t understand. Somebody is clearly and bodly asking you to sleep with him but you’re ashamed to say that you want to marry first before sleeping with him. If marriage is what you want, then make it clear. You’re doing the right thing by saying that because you truly know what you want for yourself.
3. Set and agree on clear timelines; Don’t let somebody tell you “Oh yes we’ll marry but let’s see how it goes”. No! So WHEN are we looking at? If it’s in two years time, then we look at that. If it’s in one year, then we look at that. I have seen people that have dated for 8 years, ten years, so let there be some definitions. How long is this gonna be? And even if you say two years, then there are some little short progress points that we can use to measure if we’re heading towards our dreams or not. I personally don’t advice it to be so long from when you start the relationship. Don’t start a relationship and you’re planning to marry in 5 years. That’s just too early to tie yourself down. So, let’s be clear. What are the timeline? When are we planning to get married and what are the steps we need to take. . Setting and Agreeing on Clear Timelines has to do with; _WHAT ARE WE? Are we just friends, or are we in a relationship or are we in a situationship? _Knowing THE KIND OF RELATIONSHIP it is. _Knowing WHY the other person wants the relationship. _Knowing the PURPOSE of the relationship. Are we heading to marriage? Say what you want. Don’t pretend to be happy with whatever they offer you. Say what you want from the relationship. Very important. _Knowing the TIME FRAME. That is, HOW LONG you both would be into this. If it’s for 5 years, then it’s too early to tie yourself down. _Knowing WHEN you two would be taking it to the next level. Very important. Like i said earlier, Knowing when is important, Don’t start a relationship and you’re planning to marry in 5 years. That’s just too early to tell tie yourself down. So, let’s be clear. What are the timeline? When are we planning to get married and what are the steps we need to take. If it’s in two years, then there are some little short progress points that we can use to measure if we’re heading towards our dreams or not.
WHY YOU MUST DEFINE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
1. To know your expectations about the relationship. Don’t be emotional when trying to define your relationship. Be confident. If your paths and objectives don’t align, then you get ready to walk away. You’re not begging to be loved. You know what you want for yourself.
2. To avoid wastage of time. Time is too precious to be wasted and as well irreversible. So, please don’t let someone waste your time in the name of dating for so long. That’s not wise. You need to define it earlier.
Use wisdom. Be wise! I hope you enjoyed this Inspiring write-ups of mine on “DEFINING YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND WHY!” . Follow our Instagram handle @Chiamiada to see more inspiring contents! For Counseling, WhatsApp or Call +234 908 407 7080. Your Happiness is our priority! Our Aim; To Make Your Love Life & Marriage a Blissful one!!! .